Sometimes Love is not enough
by JCappucino
Summary: After the Moment Kate and Castle share in 4x13, she decides its time to finally dive into things, when she makes a shocking discovery. This is my very first fanfiction so please bear with me and give it a shot : . M for safety I guess.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything :) All the credits go to ABC and the rest of the wonderful Castle gang. As English is not my first language, I apologize for any significant mistakes in my spelling. Spoiler for Episode 4x01 and 4x13. Let me know what you think :) Now enough talking, happy reading :) Best JC**

It started, when she knew he had bulldozed down those walls by just rubbing her hand with his thumb gently.

It intensified, when she hurried to his apartment shortly afterwards to finally admit her feelings, to tell him she was done pretending.

It was horrifying, when she felt like her heart would explode of anticipation and the fear of rejection from his side.

It was exciting, when Alexis opened the door for her and told her he was in his office writing.

It was almost like she was a new person, when she slowly walked towards his room, smiling, imagining how his lips would feel on hers without any barriers left.

It was shocking, when she carefully opened the door to surprise him, but being surprised herself in return.

It was earth shattering, when she saw him sitting in front of a large screen, a digital murderboard, his hands pressed together as if he was praying. Documents were spread over his desk. Her heart was damaged beyond repair.

It was painful, when she inhaled sharply, tears welling in her eyes, rolling down her cheeks silently.

She tried to support herself on the doorframe, causing him to turn around. His face suddenly pale, as he tried to form words in his state of shock.

She turned around without saying a word, her eyes almost blind from crying.

She stumbled past his furniture, the door the only point of focus. Rage ran through her veins, she almost couldn't breath.

It got out of control, when she felt the tight grip of his hand on her wrist. Her eyes shot up to meet the blue ocean in which she dove into so many times before.

"Kate", he whispered, his voice barely audible.

"Don't you ever…_ever_ touch me again!", she spat, freeing her hand from his.

"Kate, please! Let me explain", he pleaded, trying again to make contact with her, but she shook him off quickly.

"Explain _what_ exactly, Castle? That you _betrayed_ me? That you've been _lying_ to me? That you investigated my mother's case behind my back after all that happened? After all we have been through, after all the things I _shared_ with you? I let you see through those freaking walls, I trusted you. I lo…", she closed her eyes, her chest rose and fell heavily.

He took a step towards her, when she held up her hand, keeping him at a distance. "Don't. Don't you dare!", she warned.

"Finish your sentence Kate!"

"_Stop_ telling me what the hell to do!"

"_Say it_!", he pushed, his eyes darkening and for a split second she was taken aback by the roughness in his voice.

"We are _over_. You hear me, Castle? _Over_! And _this_…", she stormed back into his room pointing at the murderboard, "is _none_ of your business, it hasn't been and it never will be!"

"I did it to protect you! I cannot lose you Kate, not again", he yelled, when he caught up with her.

"I do not need anybody's protection."

"Right, because you are such a tough ass cop, right? Carrying it all by yourself."

Her eyes were burning into his, but he wasn't willing to step back, he never even flinched.

"Get the hell out of my way!"

It made her mind spin when he grabbed her by her shoulders, pressing her body against the screen.

"Do you think it was fun watching the life drain out of you? To see how the person you love is dying in your arms?"

"Castle, I'm warning you, stop it!" His breath lingered on her sensitive skin, causing her to shiver against her will.

It was intimate, when he told her those things, his lips barely touching her.

It was painful when she tried to get away from him, despite what he said, she was cursing, threatening to kill him, if he wouldn't just shut up.

"Castle, please…let me _go_! I can't…" She cried into his shirt then, her fists hitting his chest.

It was more than she could take when he wrapped his arms around her even more.

It was heartbreaking when she gave in against all the rage burning inside her body.

"How could I let myself love you with that? How could I ever trust you again? I felt…safe with you Castle. I felt like…I'm home, as if I could finally fight those battles with someone by my side, someone who would hold my hand, telling me that everything will be fine in the end. But it won't be. It's an illusion and I was…stupid enough to let myself believe in ridiculous fairytales."

It was some kind of self protection when he started to loosen his tight grip on her, looking into her sad eyes. He was scared. He was scared of the emptiness he witnessed in this moment.

"I've let you in. I have let you into my heart, into my home and into my soul…and all you do is not trust me enough to share those investigations with me. I'm the one in the Crosshairs, Castle. It's not _your_ fight. It is mine. I came here to tell you…that I love you. You deserve to know that I love you", she sighed, turned away from him and walked towards the door.

"Please don't do this, Kate. We can work this out."

"Goodbye, Castle."

It was tearing her apart when he begged her to give him a chance.

Her walls were fully rebuilt when she didn't answer and closed the front door behind her without looking back.

It was when he smashed his screen with the remote and knew he'd lost her.

It was when she realized that even Love sometimes is not enough.


	2. Chapter 2

Note: Guys, I really really don't know what to say except that I'm so grateful for all of the amazing reviews I've received for this story! Thank you so much for giving me a chance as a writer, since I'm new to this but most of all to the story. I actually planned to leave it as a one shot, but I guess I couldn't leave it like it was and hope you still like it the second part as I wanted to explore some of Castles feelings to this as well. So, enjoy and thank you again and feel free to critize as well.

It was as if the world had stopped turning when her exhausted body rested against the cold metal of her front door that night.

She had definitely expected a lot, but once again life took its toll on her, smiling, permission for happiness declined.

It was as if she wasn't in control of it anymore.

Her muscles were burning from running, her eyes red and blurry from the tears that at least had finally stopped. She was out of energy.

There was nothing left except the question of what was upsetting her more.

The betrayal? Or rather the fact that she wasn't able to take her heart back home when she left his loft.

She wrapped her arms around her body protectively, staring into the darkness of her apartment.

And she realized that if she had taken a look into the rabbit hole before then now was the time she was on the edge of being captured in there forever.

His mind was racing a million miles an hour. So many unanswered questions, so much guilt, the urge to run after her so intense. But he couldn't. Deep down he knew he blew it, that sorry wasn't enough, because she was right. Unconsciously he did not trust her judgment enough to throw her back to face the dragons. Yet. But he didn't lie when he told her he did it out of protection, out of the breathtaking love he felt for her.

Who was he kidding? Who was he to make that decision to tell her what's right and what's wrong anyway?

He sighed, rubbed his stressed features, standing in the middle of the loft, her smell still lingering in the thick air.

When Alexis asked what happened, he felt like crying. When she put her arms around him, he felt like he needed to escape. So he did. He kissed his daughter on the forehead, walked into his study and closed the door.

Her green eyes were haunting him that night. The stiffness of her body when he touched her was unbearable. The smile that faded away from her pretty face would be marked with him forever. The only tiny hope he still had was the fact that she said I love you. Not loved. Love. He had to make it okay, he had to show her he was still that man. The one who would hold her hand if she was scared, the one who would be the light in the darkest hours, the one who would kiss her goodmorning and goodnight, the one that simply would be her sanctuary.

It was four days later, when he learned she had taken some vacation days.

It was four days later, when he called her phone for the 54th time without any answer.

It was four days later, when he through all his plans over board, because he was sure, no, he knew that sometimes, even in the most delicate situations, love was indeed enough.

And it was four days later when he finally stood in front of her door, willing to kick the damn thing in if he had to.

"Kate! I know you are in there. Please open up!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Note: Wow, Chapter 3! I cannot believe I got this far, but once again I gotta say how grateful I am for all the reviews, story alerts and favs to this. My cup runneth over, guys! You are all so amazing! I know this one again is a little sad and I'm not entirely happy with it but I just felt like I needed to explore the emotions both of the characters are going through a little more, because that's how it is sometimes, right? You need to let it all out, work on your issues to find a common base. I hope you will stick with me till the end though. Thanks again for taking the time to read it. Much love, J. C.**

When his voice and the knocking reached her fuzzy brain she almost smiled, half thinking her was mind was playing tricks on her. But as it kept going, she realized he was indeed here, attacking her so carefully built cocoon of self-pity all over again.

Four days.

It had been four days since she had barely left the cozy couch.

Four days, since she stopped thinking at all.

It had been four days since she had last heard the sound of his voice.

This beautiful nasal sound that had been a melody to her soul for so many years.

She sighed heavily.

The rage was gone by now. All she felt was a consuming emptiness that she welcomed at the end of the day, because it allowed her to ease the pain in her chest, picking up the pieces.

"Kate, come on! Let me talk to you!"

She rolled on her back, covering her face with her hands before she swung her long, slender legs over the edge, walking towards the front door as if it was magnified.

"Please open up or I swear I will not hesitate to break it down!", his voice had gotten a little more aggressive with every passing minute and God, she knew he would be crazy enough to do it. Hell, she would have done it herself if the situation would call for it.

The steal felt icy under her fingertips when she laid her hand flat against the door. She could hear him move around the floor like a tiger on a hunt and for a split second she wanted to crawl back under her blankets, pretending nothing had happened. Avoiding it, just sleep it all away.

Damn him and his persistence!

"Castle, I don't want to talk." She said without any emotion in her voice. He stopped in his tracks immediately and she could hear him as he pressed his body against the door.

"One minute! Just one minute. _Please_, Kate."

She pressed her lips tightly together and before her common sense could stop her, she turned the knob.

"Ticking", she simply replied while adjusting her messy hair ridiculously.

"Can I come in? I'd rather talk without your neighbors listening."

For a second she was speechless when she looked into his red-rimmed eyes and the huge bags that had formed under them. All the sparks were gone and she had the feeling it was the first time she had seen him in years.

Did she look the same? Probably.

She simply nodded, stepping aside before he carefully entered her apartment.

"You look…",

"_Don't_ even start!", she cut him off, holding up her hand.

"Kate, I know I messed up. Badly. Probably I blew it completely, but I…I cannot leave it like that. Sorry could never be enough."

"You got that one right." She avoided looking him in the eyes. The danger of falling right back in, too immense. She was torn.

"I never lied to you about my intentions, Kate. I meant every word I said. I _love_ you and I wanted to keep it from you, because I wanted to figure out who we are dealing with first."

Against her will she was tearing up again when she seriously thought it wouldn't be possible anymore after the rollercoaster she already went on.

"You don't _get_ it, do you? I _never_ asked you to do that. I _never _asked you to jeopardize your life when you have a daughter and a mother at home. I asked you to respect my decisions, but you don't. You simply ignore it, stomp over it, because you _just_ feel like it. I'm a big girl. But as we are on honest speaking terms, let me tell you this, I am tired, Castle. I can't do this anymore. I am sorry."

"Then let me tell _you_ something. You are scared! You are so scared of _everything_ that you run away whenever the tiniest chance appears on the horizon. _Stop_ running. _Stop_ crawling into that rabbit hole, cause one day it will eat you", he yelled at her.

"You are _way_ out of line, Castle!", she answered between clenched teeth, the vein on her forehead pumping, tears streaming down her red cheeks.

She protectively put her arms around her body when he came closer to her.

"Did it _ever_ occur to you that I might be scared as well? Because sometimes everything scares the hell out of me. I wanna hide and hope it passes by, but it won't. That's life. We all get scared- therefore we need people around us to make it less horrifying.

And don't tell me now I do not know you. Believe me I _do_.

Probably better than anybody else. Like I said before, of course I should've told you, I get it, but we can go through this _together_, Kate. You and I. We will track those people down and I _promise_ you we will. But please give me a chance to proof to you how much I want this. I want it all, Kate, all of you. I want your laughter on a happy day and I want to chase demons with you on the bad ones. I'm done with the dancing, Kate. I love you and no matter how far you push me away, I will not go anywhere. I am now where I _need_ to be and where I _want_ to be."

"_Stop_! Please just _stop_", she pleaded, her voice barely a whisper. "This is none of your books, Rick. You cannot write everything as you wish it could be. This is not who I am and I can never be that woman for you. Like you said that's life and sometimes it doesn't work as we want it to. I guess we both have to learn that lesson."

"Then tell me what you said to me wasn't what you are feeling. Tell me you don't love me. Tell me again that love sometimes isn't enough and I will walk out that door and out of your life for good."

"Castle".

"No Kate. After all we have been through you cannot expect me to just give up on you because that's not _who_ I am. But you heard me, if you tell me right now, I will accept your decision."


	4. Chapter 4

**Note: **

**Guys, that's it. The final chapter! As this is my first installment, thank you thank you thank you for reading and all the wonderful reviews! It really meant a lot and I know I still have a few things to work on, but it has been fun and I hope to find the time to write some more . **

**So this chapter goes out to all of you, I really hope you like it. I was re-editing it for two days now and still I'm not sure if the happenings are too sudden and if I could deliver the message with a proper ending. Le Sigh. Please let me know what you think, I didn't wanna make u wait any longer. **

**Much Love, J.C**

"_I'm not taking back what I said, but I need time, Rick."_

"_How much more time?", he said against his will._

"_I…I don't know." _

_With one last look into his personal Emerald paradise, he nodded defeated, turned away and left. There wasn't anything more he could have said or done. _

Night after night, he sat in his dark office, the lights of New York dancing on his face.

He drowned the brown, soothing, burning liquor in one gulp.

Tears of disappointment burning like always, but he managed to keep them from rolling down.

If only he could get rid of her pretty face appearing in front of him.

Maybe she had a point. Maybe he should move on. Be a better father to his daughter and a better son to his mother. Maybe he should stop pretending that he was somebody he simply wasn't to her. Her one and done. Maybe he should stop thinking at all.

Two weeks had passed since they had talked in her apartment and with each passing day he lost more and more hope of ever seeing her again.

If only she wouldn't be the inspiration for all that was important for him and what was far beyond anything he ever knew.

If only she wouldn't be his real motivation behind all efforts, his drive, his everything.

If only she wouldn't be the ultimate goal of all the searching for the answers nobody but her could give him.

If only she hadn't been the one key for him to be a better version of himself.

If only the sound of her voice and her laughter wouldn't be so healing, so familiar, so…home.

Damn her and her complicated mind!

When he heard the knock on his front door three nights later it was after 2 am.

When he opened, his heart skipped a beat and he was afraid he was seeing things in his dazed state of mind.

"Kate", he finally managed, his voice throaty.

Her eyes were swollen, not from crying he figured.

Her hair was curly like always and he had to fight the urge to dive into that chestnut ocean immediately.

He never found her more beautiful.

"What…what if we don't make it?", she simply whispered.

He never loved her more as he did the moment she opened her mouth that night.

He knew then they could beat the odds.

He knew they needed to talk things over.

He knew they just really started their journey, he didn't forget what had been going through his mind the past two weeks.

They weren't there yet, there were pieces waiting to be picked up, but right now, it could wait. Just for now, it was good. Everything could wait. They were healing. Together.

His hands cupped her face, caressing the soft skin of her cheeks with his thumb, his fingertips wiping away all the concern that was written there.

When their lips connected, it wasn't passionate, never demanding. There was no fight for dominance.

It was… a promise.


End file.
